Parenting a Troubled Teen

The adolescent years are full of change, and those changes can be hard to manage for the teen and for his/her parents. But there are some changes that are more than just the normal teen angst. ‘Troubled teen’ is a term used for a youth that is displaying a number of negative behaviors that could impact their ability to develop into a successful adult. If you are not sure whether your teen is ‘troubled,’ please read our previous blog Typical vs. Abnormal Teen Behavior. You know your teen better than anyone else, so listen to your gut. If things don’t seem quite right, then you are probably justified in your concern.

Parenting a troubled teenager can be overwhelming for you and your family. Teens who are defiant, failing school, depressed, running away, violent, withdrawn, or otherwise struggling can fill your home with chaos and tension. Troubled teens absolutely need professional help. You cannot deal with this alone, so if you have not already contacted your doctor and gotten a therapist for your child, you should do that first. Family therapy can also be very helpful – see our previous blog Why Family Therapy Might be a Better Choice for Teens.  This is a great way to role model to your teen that when things get tough in life, smart and responsible people ask for help.

Although getting professional help is the first big step on the road to recovery, you still have to live with your troubled teen while you work through these problems. Here are some tips to handle this difficult time with grace.

Avoid the blame game.

There’s no way to know exactly what factors have contributed to your child’s current problems. Even if you do think you know why the problems are occurring, you cannot change what has already been done. Blaming yourself or your spouse will only place more tension and pain in the home. There’s nothing to be gained by beating yourself up over the past. Instead, focus on the present and try to make things right now.

Get support.

In addition to therapy, you may need additional support. Talk to relatives or friends you trust. Although it’s important to respect your teen’s privacy, you can ask friends to spend time with your teen to give you a break, or to plan some time away from the house to escape the tension. Dealing with a troubled teen can exhaust you, so be sure to take a break when you need it.

Focus on the child you love.

When teens act out, they become difficult to like. You may not want to be in the same room with them and you might wonder how your sweet, innocent child has grown into this stranger you don’t understand or know. Instead of these negative thoughts, you must make a conscious effort to focus on the things you do love about your teen and on every one of your teens’ positive traits. Try looking at your teen through the eyes of someone who has never met them before – you may be so engrossed in your child’s problems that you have forgotten how fun or thoughtful they can be. Don’t become rigid in your thinking about your teen (such as “I already know this is going to be a problem”) as this can limit your ability to help them move forward. Identify their strengths and be sure to communicate those positive traits to your teen. Positive reinforcement is an incredible motivator.

Be empathetic.

Behind the troubling behavior is usually a child in pain. Perhaps they are struggling to deal with feelings or situations they don’t understand. Try to see things from their point of view and remember what it felt like when you were a teenager. Find ways, despite their behavior, to express your love for them. Acknowledge their pain and let them know that the problems they are having are painful for you, as well.

Be supportive.

It’s easy to want to offer advice to help a teen who is struggling but sometimes what they need most is for the parent who loves them to simply be with them. Remember to be an active listener when they talk, and try to engage in an activity with your child that he or she loves (not an activity of your choice, but something that is important to your teen).

Practice patience.

When life is hard, we want everything to hurry up so that things can be better. But these types of problems take time to treat. Be patient with your teen, be patient with yourself and your ability to manage your own frustration, and be patient with the healing process because therapy takes a long time.

Final thoughts…

Studies consistently show that hope is an important component in helping humans heal. Your child is more intuitive than you realize, so you must believe that your teen can get better. You need to believe it for your own healing and for your teen. You need to tell your teen that you believe in his or her ability to make changes, choose positive decisions, and take control of their lives. Your hope will feed their own.

Peer Pressure on Teens and Their Parents

Peer pressure is a normal part of life. Right or wrong, humans tend to compare themselves to each other and pressure kicks in. Sometimes that pressure can be good, such as trying to get straight A’s like Judy, and sometimes that pressure can be bad, such as trying to be as “cool” as Tim when he smokes, but we all feel it at some point.

Many parents have two misconceptions about peer pressure. First, they tend to believe it is more prevalent and in-your-face than it truly is. Generally, teens aren’t strong-armed into risky behaviors. Friends play a subtle role in your child’s decisions, since teens are more likely to hang out with other teens who do the same things. Second, parents tend to believe that peer pressure is more influential in their child’s life than they are. Although teens will often act like nothing matters more than their friends, studies and research consistently show that parents are the number one influence on a teen’s decision-making. Your child is very aware of your thoughts and opinions even as they change their hair, their clothes, their favorite activities and even their style of speech to fit in with their friends. So, don’t assume your teen is a lost cause if you don’t like their friends. You wield way more power than you realize.

Here are some more interesting facts about peer pressure:

• Teen peer pressure can come internally. Teens often overestimate what they believe their peers are doing. For example, they might say that ‘everyone’ is having sex except them or ‘everyone’ has tried alcohol. They create a pressure within themselves that isn’t based in reality. Parents might want to try researching the latest study findings on various teen behaviors to give their child a reality check. For example, parents could tell their teen that the most recent study from CDC has found that 72% of teens aged 15 to 17 have not had sex.
• Be the ‘bad’ guy. Teens who have parents that provide discipline (making firm rules, providing consequences, waiting up for teens when they’re out) use that to their advantage in the world of peer pressure. Not only do they consider how disappointed you would be with them if they go against your rules, your teen can legitimately shift the blame to you. “My mom would kill me if I did that.”
• Raise an opinionated child. Although it might drive you crazy, a child with lots of opinions has practice speaking his or her own mind. Additionally, encourage your teens to seriously consider where they stand on key issues like sex, drugs and alcohol. They will be most clear-headed to decide their own position on these topics when they are not around their friends or in an uncomfortable situation.
• Observe your teen’s friends. You do not want to criticize your teen’s friends. This will break down communication between the two of you quickly. Building relationships with friends is a skill that every child must learn. Parents can help with this by talking to their teens. Ask them open-ended questions, such as, ‘What do you like about Susie?’ and ‘What happens when you don’t agree?’ You can even comment on the peer pressure you see, such as, ‘You follow the rules when you’re home alone, but seem to break them when Johnny comes over. Why do you suppose that is?’
• Role play. Many times, children can find themselves doing things, in the moment, that they never thought they would do. Try role-playing with your kids to practice hypothetical situations, appropriate to their age and social contexts, that they may have to deal with. What if you were at a party and someone had a bottle of pills? What if you were about to get into a car and realized the driver was drunk? If your teen feels silly role-playing or won’t engage in this activity, at least encourage them to prepare a mental script of how they would like to deal with uncomfortable situations. The important thing is for adults to give teens alternatives to getting themselves out of tricky situations with their dignity intact.
• Celebrate mistakes. No matter what you do, there is bound to be a time that your teen messes up.  And that’s good! It is better for your child to make a mistake now, when you’re available to help, than when they are out on their own. Mistakes are a great learning opportunity, so parents should help their child take responsibility for their actions, accept the consequences, reflect on how they can do things differently next time, and then move on.
• Not every child falls victim to peer pressure. One of the more difficult things to understand is why some teens bow down to social pressure so much easier than others. Likely, personality traits and self-esteem have a lot to do with this, but according to a new Northwestern University study, which appears in the September 2011 issue of Social Psychology Quarterly, there are also other factors involved. The study showed that teens are insulated from negative peer pressure if they had characteristics that their friends respected (e.g., close friendships with members of the opposite sex) or had something that their friends needed (e.g., a car).

Even Parents Suffer from Peer Pressure

Undoubtedly, when most people hear the words “peer pressure” they immediately picture children at school. But, peer pressure doesn’t just stop with graduation. Adults still face tremendous pressure to conform in everything from fashion to work culture. Your parenting is not immune to this pressure. I’m sure all of us at one time or another have worried what the teacher thinks of the lunch we pack our child or what the neighbors think of our chaotic attempt to get all of our children to their various sports practices.

New research at Ohio State University finds that having high standards for yourself as a parent can be beneficial, but caring what other parents think about your choices may in fact undermine your confidence and up your stress levels. “When parents are really worried about what others think about their parenting, this is an indication that they’re more likely to interpret things that happen to them and their child as failures,” says Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, study co-author and an associate professor in human development and family science at Ohio State. “When parents have less confidence and more stress, their parenting quality suffers.”

Parenting is a long journey. So, although you should try to make appropriate choices to help your child develop into a responsible adult, you shouldn’t waste your time on what the world may think of your choices. It’s good to be aware of how others are parenting and what experts are saying, but that’s simply to inform yourself of options. You want to make educated decisions, not conforming ones.

Sex Education

Almost everyone agrees that teens should receive some sort of sexual education. The problem lies in who should do the teaching, when, and what information they should share. Because there’s such confusion on what the right message is, and because there’s awkwardness around discussing sex, many parents would prefer to just leave the sex education up to their child’s school. They rationalize that the school is better informed about what to say. Unfortunately, that’s not always true. Following is our own top 5 reasons parents should tackle their teen’s sex education.

Reason #1: There is no standardization in the school system.

The school curriculums for sex education not only vary by state, but they even vary among local districts. There are wide discrepancies between what is taught and how the information is presented, so you cannot assume that any specific topic will be covered.  Additionally, most people would think that sex education programs at schools could be relied upon to teach accurate information, but according to Advocates for Youth, sex education curriculums often include distorted information. For example, some school curriculums have stated that “half of gay male teenagers in the US have tested positive for HIV,” “condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse,” and “as many as 10 percent of women who have an abortion become sterile.” None of these statements are accurate, but many teens will believe them if they are taught in school. Apparently, in response to this problem, many states have recently enacted bills that would require medical accuracy in school sex education.

Reason #2: Parents can tailor their talk to their belief system.

If inaccuracy and uncertainty over what will be covered in your school’s curriculum doesn’t encourage you to become your teen’s sex education teacher, than perhaps the realization that your school may not teach things according to your values will. There is a lot of debate about whether teens should be taught abstinence, contraception, or a combination of both. Most scientific evidence at this time supports the idea that sex education programs that include both abstinence and contraception are most successful in helping teens delay sexual activity, increase contraceptive use, and have fewer sexual partners when they start having sex. Regardless of which method you agree with, parents can tailor their own talks with their children to explain why they believe certain things. Parents can also use this opportunity to talk about the characteristics of a good, healthy relationship. You should be instilling your values in your child so that they will be better equipped to choose a positive dating partner and not be pressured into becoming intimate faster than they want.

Reason #3: Parents can address the emotional issues that go along with sex.

Schools are going to cover the black and white facts of sex. But we all know that sex isn’t just black and white, and it can seep into a wide variety of emotional issues. The great thing about parents talking to teens is that they can help them think through ALL of the consequences of sex, not just pregnancy and STDs. (Plus, when it’s just the two of you, it becomes more of a conversation so that you can answer your child’s specific questions, instead of him or her just receiving the standard fare the school is dishing.) Obviously, your talk needs to be adjusted to your child’s maturity level. Additionally, take the time to debunk common myths. For example, you could talk about how unpredictable emotions are and how sex doesn’t necessarily make two people grow closer. When two people are not ready for this type of intimacy, it makes their relationship very awkward. Parents can discuss how sex is not nearly as glamorous or romantic as in the movies. These are subjects that a school’s sex education program will not cover.

Reason #4: Seriously? You want their peers to inform them?

Kids learn about sex from four main sources: schools, parents, peers and the media (Internet, TV, pop culture, etc.). If teens don’t get the information they want and/or need from school or from parents, then by default you are allowing the media and their peers to educate them. We know the media promotes false ideas, such as it is acceptable for two people who just met to become physically intimate. And unfortunately, their friends are generally as uneducated and misinformed as they are. Even more disturbing are the activities in which their friends are engaged. Let’s look at two recent studies that show some alarming trends.

First, researchers at the Bradley Hasbro Children’s Research Center have determined that anal sex is on the rise among teens and young adults. They say that teen girls are often persuaded to try anal sex to be intimate without risking pregnancy or their virginity. They might feel they are “being abstinent,” but in fact they are engaging in an even riskier activity with serious health consequences. Many students think they can’t get AIDS because they’re not having vaginal sex. In fact, anal sex can be more risky for HIV infection and other STDs, as tissue may tear and cause direct blood exposure to infected fluids. If their peers are going to tell them they are being safe and maintaining their virginity by engaging in oral or anal sex, then it must be the parents that counter this argument.

Second, the most recent National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health suggests that high school dating follows the principal of “supply and demand.” In general, the majority of teen boys are interested in having sex, while the majority of teen girls are interested in relationships and would prefer to wait. When the population of a high school creates an unbalanced ratio of boys to girls, the gender in low supply gets their way. For example, a low supply of boys creates unconscious competition among the girls and causes them to be more willing to have sex in order to date a boy. When there is a low supply of girls, the girls are in more control and that high school, as a whole, has less teen sex than average. This even continues into college. At the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, where girls outnumber boys 3 to 2, female students admit to putting up with bad behavior, such as cheating, from their boyfriends because the alternative is having no relationship at all. Schools, media, and peers will never teach children that they should not “settle” for second best or compromise their own values. Parents must talk to their teens if we want them to make positive decisions.

Reason #5: Parents are more effective than any other form of sex education.

A recent report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) showed that teens, ages 15 – 17, are not as sexually active as most people believe. Seventy-two percent of teens aged 15 to 17 had not had sex, which is a decline from 20 years ago… that’s right, this generation of teenagers is less sexually experienced than their parents’ generation. But the CDC report shows that this trend reversed by ages 18 to 19, when about 7 in 10 teens reported having sexual intercourse at least once. This is still an encouraging change because the older someone is when they have sex, the more likely it is that they will make more responsible choices about their partner and birth control, leading to less teen pregnancies and STDs. Amazingly, the report attributed the delay in teen sexual activity to parents talking to teens and telling them about the dangers of having unprotected sex.

Additionally, in several recent surveys, the majority of teens have said that they wished their parents would talk to them about sex. Most do not feel they are getting adequate sex education from parents or teachers, and many teens believed that sex education was primarily the parents’ responsibility.

Final Thoughts….

Parents have so much more power than they realize. Don’t depend on a flawed system of sex education at the schools. Despite the eye-rolling, teens need you to talk to them. You will have the greatest impact on whether or not your child makes a positive choice.

The Latest in Anger Management for Teens

Does it sometimes seem like your teen woke up angry? Does your teen lose their temper quickly? These flare-ups can be caused by:

• hormones, which can cause mood swings and confused emotions;
• stress, because people under pressure are more likely to become angry;
• personality, because some people feel emotions more intensely or act impulsively; or
• environment, which means that your child’s role models (perhaps, you?) are quick to lose their temper.

Regardless of the cause, everyone gets angry sometimes. Anger is a normal emotion, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling mad. What is important is how we handle our anger. Teens must learn methods for controlling their behavior when they see red.

The Effects of Poor Anger Management

Even for young people, not dealing with angry feelings can actually put stress on their body, which can lead to medical problems such as increased illness, high blood pressure, chronic back pain, and stomach aches.  It can also increase their risk for developing depression, drug addiction, and eating problems. Teenagers who have trouble managing their anger often have fewer friends, behave in more negative ways, and receive lower grades in school.

A Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger

Teach your child this step-by-step approach to managing their anger. It’s also a great method for problem-solving, another important life skill your teen should master before they enter the adult world. Tell your teen that if something happens that makes them feel angry, this approach can help them manage their reaction:

1) Identify the problem. Notice what you are feeling and thinking, and determine why. What exactly is making you angry?  Pay attention to what upsets you by noticing how your body feels when you are angry. Sometimes people are first aware of experiencing anger through their bodies rather than their thoughts or feelings. You may feel like your heart is racing, you might be breathing faster, your muscles may tighten, or you could feel hot or sweaty. When you notice your body beginning to react, it’s time to slow down and identify the feeling before reacting. Put into words what’s making you upset so you can act rather than react.

2) Think of potential solutions before responding. Think before you act. This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage your anger. It’s also where you start thinking of how you might react — but without reacting yet. Think of at least three things you could do (even if they’re not all the best solutions). Remember, there are many ways to look at the same situation.

3) Consider the consequences of each solution. This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of the different reactions you came up with. Realize that how you behave affects not only you but also those you love and others around you.

4) Make a decision. This is where you take action by choosing one of the three things you could do. Having considered the consequences of each of your potential solutions, pick the one that is likely to be most effective. Once you choose your solution, then it’s time to act.

5) Check your progress. After you’ve acted and the situation is over, spend some time thinking about how it went. Consider whether things worked out as you expected them to and whether you’re satisfied with the choice you made.

These five steps are pretty simple when you’re calm, but are much tougher to work through when you’re angry, so it will take lots of practice.

Other Ways to Manage Anger

The five-step approach is a good method for controlling your anger when you are confronted with a particular situation and need to find a course of action. But, what if you simply need to shift into a better mood? Sometimes when you’re angry, you just need to stop dwelling on how mad you are. There are definitely some techniques for reducing tension, and not all of them will work for every person. Here is a list of possible ways to share with your teen to help them relax:

• Exercise. Get that anger out by taking a long walk or run, work out at the gym, do yoga, or play a sport. Exercise stimulates the release of a chemical in the brain called “endorphins” that make us feel more relaxed and calm.
• Listen to music. Music has also been shown to change a person’s mood pretty quickly. Try dancing, too, to get the benefits of exercise at the same time!
• Write down your thoughts and emotions. Writing down your feelings can improve how you feel. It doesn’t matter if you write in a journal, or as poetry, or as song lyrics, and it doesn’t matter whether you keep it or throw it away. When you notice, label, and release feelings, you are gaining self awareness and preventing the anger from building up.
• Draw. Scribbling, painting, doodling, or sketching your thoughts or feelings might help too, or it can just make you feel happy.
• Practice relaxation techniques. Take slow deep breaths. Close your eyes and think about a person, place, or thing that makes you feel calm. Repeat a calming word or sentence. These techniques work best if you do them regularly, which will help prevent anger from building up.
• Avoid your triggers. If there are certain things that you know bother you, you can make decisions about how to manage these triggers. Sometimes you can avoid them. Sometimes your triggers may not be avoidable and then it’s up to you to be prepared with strategies that will help you stay in better control. Having a plan ahead of time will often be enough to prevent a meltdown.
• Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Venting our frustration or talking about the other emotions beneath the anger (such as fear or sadness) can often help. Reacting in anger often causes the reasoning center of the brain to shut off for a time and the way you can turn it back on is to talk rather than act out when anger takes hold. Taking a few minutes to gather your thoughts and speaking them out loud to someone you trust can do wonders to diffuse an angry situation.

Final Thoughts…

Parents can remind their teens that controlling their temper will be hard at first. Anger is a strong emotion, and it can feel overwhelming at times. Learning how to deal with strong emotions takes effort, practice, and patience, but you can get there. They will make mistakes and parents should encourage their teens to not be too hard on themselves, but take responsibility for how they acted and how it affected other people. Remind them that “I’m sorry” is a powerful phrase that can help do damage control.

If you feel like your child’s anger is out of control and/or if you ever feel afraid of your teen, you must get your child professional help – for your sake as well as their own. Their anger may be a sign of something else going on, such as depression. Contact a counselor, therapist or doctor who will be able to refer you to the right people. There are lots of anger management support groups throughout the country. Contact your local school or public health agency to find out what groups are available in your area. Remember that getting angry is normal; letting anger get the best of you is not.

Teen Depression

The holidays can be a merry time… or not. For teens who have suffered a loss this year – whether it is a death, divorce, parent losing a job, or other significant change – the holidays can actually heighten those feelings of sadness, perhaps because we feel we are “supposed” to be happy at this time, but we’re not. Suicide rates actually increase every year during the winter months, and although some think it is because of the cold and decreased sunlight, others wonder if it might be related to suffering through everyone else’s joyous holiday.

So, the question becomes “is the sadness your teen experiencing just a feeling during a difficult time or has it tipped into depression?” Depression is a medical condition affecting someone’s moods or emotions. About 1 in 5 teens suffers with depression. The trouble is that depression can be hard to recognize.

Feeling sad or discouraged are natural human emotions that are normal reactions to frustrations and challenges of life. Arguments with loved ones, not making a team, a friend moving away, or not doing well in school are legitimate reasons for being down in the dumps. Everyone feels this way sometimes, but with a little time we can get past these feelings. Depression involves sadness or hopelessness that lasts for weeks and may not have a defined cause. It drains a person’s energy level, motivation, concentration, and ability to enjoy life. Because self-critical thinking is part of depression, some people might not realize they are depressed and, instead, think they are simply lazy, a bad student, a quitter, or a failure. Depression can also cause a person to spiral into other problems as well, such as cutting or eating disorders. Many times, if the depression is treated, these other problems can be addressed.

Depression isn’t always recognized by others either. A parent may not realize their teen is depressed. They might, unknowingly, make the disease worse by criticizing their child. They may call their teen lazy when they observe their low energy or say they have a bad attitude when they are moody. Parents should be aware that depression can show itself in many different ways such as anxiety, anger, withdrawal, low-energy, memory loss, change in eating habits and weight, change in sleep patterns, feeling worthless, and no motivation.

When teen depression goes untreated, the outcome may be serious, and result in poor performance at school, troubled relationships, increased rates of substance abuse, risky sexual behavior, increased rates of physical illness, and general decreased enjoyment of life. At its worst, depression can lead to suicide, one of the leading causes of death for teens in the United States.

Depression does NOT just go away on its own, and someone cannot just “shake it off.” Your child MUST see a doctor and/or therapist.

However, there are natural stress relievers that anyone can use to help reduce sad feelings, anger or just stress in general. If your child is depressed, you can share these ideas with them, in addition to getting help from a doctor or therapist. Not all of these stress relievers will work for everybody – the idea is to expose your teen to these coping skills and have them try them out and see which ones work. Having a few coping skills in your back pocket to pull out when needed will serve your child well into adulthood.

• Exercise. It releases tension and energizes. This can mean taking a walk, working out, dancing, bike riding around the neighborhood, jogging, or even shooting hoops in the driveway. People who are depressed may not feel much like being active, but make yourself do it anyway (ask a friend or parent to exercise with you if you need to be motivated). It takes very little exercise to notice a difference in your mood.
• Eat regular and nutritious meals. Depression can affect appetite, so you may not feel like eating or you may want to overeat, but both of these actions will make you feel worse. Eating plenty of fruits and vegetables and getting regular meals will absolutely improve your mood.
• Avoid excess caffeine intake which can increase feelings of anxiety and agitation.
• Avoid illegal drugs, alcohol and tobacco.
• Get enough sleep.
• Be creative. Everyone needs a break from stressful situations. Activities like listening to music, dancing, drawing, writing in a journal, playing a musical instrument, taking a long bath, reading a good book, taking a walk, or spending time with a pet can reduce stress.
• Learn relaxation exercises (abdominal breathing, muscle relaxation techniques, meditation, yoga, etc.). Breathing exercises are a great way to relieve stress anytime and anywhere. They’re simple to learn, simple to use, and can be done on the spot when you feel tension, immediately helping you to feel better.
• Role play. Rehearse and practice situations which cause stress. One example is taking a speech class if talking in front of a class makes you anxious.
• Develop organizational skills, such as time management and the ability to break a large task into smaller, more attainable tasks.
• Listen to music during your regular activities. Music has proven health and stress relief benefits, and can be easily played during daily life to relieve stress.
• Get your feelings out. Having a safe person or caring friend to vent your frustrations to is a great way to release your feelings. Journaling is also effective for identifying and releasing negative thoughts.
• Develop a positive attitude. Optimists and positive thinkers experience better health, less stress, and more ‘luck’ in life. Decrease negative self talk by challenging negative thoughts about yourself with more positive, or at least neutral, thoughts. Make an effort to notice some good things in life. While it takes a little practice to develop a more positive frame of mind, the practice takes little extra time and can really change your whole experience of life and how you live it.

Again, the list above are natural stress relievers than anyone can employ to improve their mood. However, these actions will NOT cure depression. A depressed person must see a doctor or therapist.

Beware of Holiday Partying

Christmas, Hanukah, New Year’s Eve, and more – the holidays are upon us, and with them come parties. Although holiday parties can be a lot of fun, they can also pose some serious risk to our teenagers. Rare is the teen party that does not try to include alcohol. And as we all know, alcohol can bring a whole host of problems related to poor decision making. Many students who normally choose not to drink or engage in sexual behavior are tempted and under enormous pressure to be “part of” the party. Once alcohol enters the party, there is an increased likelihood of fights and other violence, teen sex and experimentation, and drunk driving. Underage drinking is a major factor in the two leading causes of teenage deaths: car crashes and fatal injuries. Studies show that the majority of drunk drivers are under age 25. Underage drinking is also linked to two-thirds of sexual assaults and date rapes of teens, and increases the likelihood of unsafe and unplanned sexual activity.

Interestingly, there are some major discrepancies in what our teens are experiencing at parties and what parents believe is happening. Here are some statistics from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University:

• 80% of parents believe that neither alcohol nor marijuana is usually available at parties their teens attend. BUT 50% of teen partygoers attend parties where alcohol, drugs or both are available.
• 98% of parents say they are normally present during parties they allow their teens to have at home. BUT a third of teen partygoers report that parents are rarely or never present at the parties they attend.
• 99% of parents say they would not be willing to serve alcohol at their teen’s party. BUT 28% of teen partygoers have been at parties at a home where parents were present and teens were drinking alcohol.
• One in three high school students (50% of 17-year-olds) surveyed report that they have attended parties where drugs and alcohol were provided and either the parents were there and didn’t notice or the parents provided the drugs and alcohol for the party.

Alcohol is, by far, the most socially acceptable and easiest drug to obtain in our country. For that reason, it’s a popular choice among teens. The median age at which teens begin to drink is thirteen. Eighty-seven percent of high school seniors have used alcohol. Although it is illegal for teens to purchase alcohol, they can often get it through their parent’s own liquor cabinets, unscrupulous store clerks, older friends who purchase it for them, and sometimes their parents even provide it for them. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) recently reported that most underage youth get alcohol from home, and about a third were given it by their parents or guardians.

Are you one of those parents that believes that, since teens are likely to drink anyway, it’s better to allow them to drink at home when they are supervised than to try to stop them? There are two major problems with this idea: (1) research does not support this belief, and (2) you (the parent) can get in some serious trouble.

First, let’s look at the research:

• There have been some advocates of supervised teen drinking saying that European teens don’t have problems with binge drinking because they “learn” to drink at home with their parents. However, a recent study of Dutch teens who were allowed to drink alcohol at home also drank more outside the home than their peers and were at increased risk of developing alcohol problems, according to researchers from Radboud University Nijmegen. According to the European School Survey Project on Alcohol and Drugs, the proportion of 15 to 16-year-olds who binge drink is higher in France, Italy, Denmark, Ireland and other northern European countries than in the United States.
• Although some parents believe drinking problems in adolescence are “just a phase” that a person may outgrow, a new study begs to differ. Research published in the February 2011 issue of “Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research” suggests that problem drinking in someone at age 18 helps predict alcoholism at age 25.
• Another study reported that the more parents expect their teens to engage in risky behaviors such as drinking and using drugs, the more likely their teens are to follow through with those behaviors. Researchers found that adolescents with mothers who expected them to be more rebellious and take greater risks reported higher levels of risky behavior than other adolescents during follow-up surveys. On the other hand, parents may lower the rate of risky behavior among their adolescent children by expecting that they can resist negative peer pressure and instead engage in positive behavior, according to the study.
• A new study this year shows that teens who drink with an adult supervising are more likely to develop problems with alcohol than kids who aren’t allowed to drink until they hit age 21.

The last two studies in particular refute the common thought that parents are just “being realistic” when they expect illegal drinking. Note that the teens who fared the best were those who had a rule in place prohibiting alcohol. That does not mean that the child never drank until they were 21. So, regardless of whether the child drinks or not, their parents’ message of expecting no drinking is what made the difference in whether they became an alcoholic or not.

Now, let’s look at some of the consequences for the parents of supervising teen drinking. Throughout the country, providing alcohol to minors is against the law. The penalties vary throughout the country, and even from county to county, but do include fines and jail time as well as civil responsibility. If a high school student comes to a party at your house and is served alcohol (whether you’re aware of it or not), then you are civilly liable and can be sued for actions that result from that (perhaps he leaves your home and gets into an accident and destroys property or hurts somebody). You are also teaching your child that some laws are to be followed and others are to be broken, which is a slippery slope.  If you’re still not sure, consider this story aired on the Today show on December 8, 2011. A college professor and his wife allowed their teen son to have a bunch of friends over to celebrate a football game win. Their rule was no alcohol. The kids were in the basement, and the parents were upstairs. The parents would go downstairs frequently to check on the kids and to bring them various snacks. A neighbor contacted the police complaining about a party and saying they thought that the teens had alcohol. The police showed up, and the father said that he did not see any alcohol, but unfortunately he was wrong. He was arrested and charged with 44 counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and could face up to a year in prison.

Final Thoughts…

Be very thoughtful when it comes to holiday parties. Tell your teen that it is against the family rules for them to drink alcohol. Never buy alcohol for your teen or host a party for your teen that includes alcohol and do not allow them to attend parties where you know there will be alcohol. Your most effective method of preventing alcohol use is talking to your child. If you haven’t talked to your teen about alcohol use because you just don’t know what to say, then visit the Online Guide for Talking to Kids About Alcohol at: http://www.talkingwithkids.org/alcohol.html. Another good resource for parents is to download and read a copy of the Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) brochure “Power of Parents, It’s Your Influence“.

Many parents worry that their discussions are going in one ear and out the other, but surveys show that one of the top reasons teens say they choose to make responsible choices on a wide range of risky behaviors is because they don’t want to disappoint their parents.

And be sure to role model responsible drinking yourself. A new government study by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) shows that teens are more likely to drive under the influence of alcohol or drugs if their parents have driven under the influence. So, although you only had one beer and waited two hours before you drove, your teen sees that you drink and drive. Be conscious of how your child is observing you.

Middle Earth wishes you and your teen(s) safe, healthy and happy holidays!

A Teen Guide for Talking to a Doctor

Note to parents: This blog is written for teens. Please consider printing it out and sharing it with them. A doctor is an excellent source of reliable, responsible, accurate information for your teen, so as much as you might hope your teen would feel comfortable enough to ask you any and every question they have, it is in your best interest to encourage them to have a good relationship with their doctor.

When you were a small child, your parents took care of your health. They would kiss your boo-boos, make sure you got a check-up, ask your doctor about your development, and insist you take your medicine. As you get older, the issues you face can get more complicated and personal. Teens are going through rapid emotional and physical changes at the same time they are facing more stress from school, family, friends, sports, and even jobs. A teen’s health concerns can cover a broad range of confusing topics from sexual development, weight problems, emotional roller coasters, and how to handle stress. It’s important to find someone to talk to who is both knowledgeable and someone you can trust. Yes, you can try talking to a friend or looking on the Internet, but you are not going to get the best and most reliable information. Doctors and nurses are trained to help you with your health and emotional concerns.

Things you should know about doctors

Your doctor will respect your privacy. Most doctors suggest that both you and a parent meet with the doctor together for the first part of the appointment. Parents can often help by providing information on your (and your family’s) medical history. At that point, the doctor can ask your parent to leave so you can talk and be examined in private. If he or she doesn’t suggest private time, just ask. Your doctor will keep the details of what you talk about confidential. The only times when your doctor cannot honor your privacy is when someone is hurting you or you are going to hurt yourself or someone else. There are state laws that require doctors to share information when there is a concern about someone possibly getting hurt.  If this happens, you and your doctor will talk about how to share any information necessary to keep everybody safe. It is perfectly appropriate for you to ask your doctor what information they will keep confidential and then feel secure to discuss your concerns with this responsible adult.

Your doctor has seen and heard it all before. It is normal to feel embarrassed to discuss personal subjects like sex, eating problems, suicidal thoughts, drugs, school stress, or body development. But rest assured that your doctor has cared for hundreds of patients. He or she has answered all kinds of questions from teens just like you. No matter how troubling something might be to you, it probably won’t surprise your doctor. Additionally, your doctor is interested in keeping you healthy, not judging you for something you have or haven’t done. A doctor’s role is to listen respectfully, examine, educate, and treat people, not criticize them. Besides, the risks of not talking to your doctor about a health concern can outweigh the few moments of discomfort you may feel.

Your doctor is an expert in health issues and wants to help you make healthy decisions. You can and should talk with your doctor (or the office nurse) about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Sometimes your doctor will ask questions about school, your friends, and family members. Sometimes your doctor will ask you personal things like how you’re feeling or what you like to do in your free time. The more your doctor knows about you, the better he or she is able to answer your questions or concerns.

Your doctor needs ALL of your health information. He or she cannot help you unless you give them the entire story. Even minor things can be important to treating the overall problem. If you feel like it’s too hard to say your problems or questions out loud, then bring a written list to hand to your doctor at the appointment. That means that you need to tell him or her if you are on a special diet (or have an eating disorder), if you are having sex or planning to have sex, if you are drinking or taking drugs, etc. Your doctor is not trying to pry into your personal life, but rather understand your situation and provide you with reliable information to keep you safe and healthy. Your doctor will keep this information confidential. For example, if you are planning to have sex, your doctor will discuss condoms and other forms of birth control and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including HIV. If you suspect you might have a STD, every state allows for teens to be tested and treated without your parents knowing. Your partner will need to be treated as well. In many states, you have the right to family planning services, including birth control and emergency contraception, without permission from your parents.

Your doctor can help you plan a way to talk with your parents about almost any topic. Believe it or not, it’s your doctor’s job to help you with this. If you need to tell your parents something difficult, like you’re pregnant, depressed, have an eating disorder, have a drug problem, or even that you’re failing some classes in school, you absolutely should ask your doctor for help. Your doctor can help you think through a plan so that you, or you and your doctor together, can tell your parents in the best way. Your doctor can also refer you to other programs that handle your specific issue.

What you should do if you don’t like or trust your doctor

Parents want you to get the best medical care available, and it’s your right to have a doctor who makes you feel comfortable and treats you with respect. If you’re not comfortable talking with him or her for any reason, ask your parents about finding another doctor both you and they can trust. Sometimes it helps to tell your parents you’d like to find a doctor who has lots of experience treating teens.

Good questions to ask your doctor

The more questions you ask, the more you’ll discover about your body. And when you know what’s going on with your body, you can take better control of your own health — today and in the future.

• Questions for an illness or symptom:
  • Can you draw me a picture or show me what’s wrong? Sometimes medical terms can be confusing, so don’t be afraid to ask questions.
  • What causes this type of problem?
  • Is this serious?
  • Will there be any long-term effects of this problem?
  • Can I give this illness to someone else, and if so, how and for how long? When can I return to school?
  • Are there any activities or foods I should avoid until I’m better?
  • How can I prevent this from happening again?
• Questions for medications:
  • What does this medicine do?
  • What will happen if I don’t take it?
  • What are the side effects?
  • How long should I take it? Should I stop the medicine if I feel back to normal?
  • What if I accidentally miss a dose?
  • If I don’t notice any improvement, how long should I wait before calling you?
• Questions for tests and treatments:
  • Why is this test needed?
  • What will happen if I don’t get the test?
  • Are there any risks involved?
  • Are there any side effects?
  • How should I prepare for the test or treatment?

Final Thoughts…

Your doctor is an excellent resource for reliable, responsible, accurate information on a wide variety of topics. You should not hesitate to share your concerns with him or her. Being responsible about your health is another step forward towards adulthood.

Teens Manipulating their Parents: Why, How and What Can Stop It

Manipulation is learned by children at a young age. Toddlers realize they can control their parent’s behavior by screaming loudly, and it progresses from there. Manipulation can provide children with a sense of power because it gives them the exciting reward of causing another person to perform a desired behavior. As we develop into adults, we become more aware of the needs of others and the realization that not everything can be controlled, so we learn to balance our own desires. Teens have not reached this stage of development yet, plus they are struggling with a strong desire for independence while experiencing surging hormones. Let’s just say that the needs of their parents don’t often enter their minds.

Types of Manipulation Teens Employ and Ways to Deal With It

Steamrolling. The most frequently used form of manipulation that children of every age employ on their parents is the never-ending, repeated request. “Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? How about now?” Teens reason that if they wear a parent down enough, they will eventually give in. Two can play at that game. The best response to the repeated request is a repeated answer. Decide what your bottom line is and develop a “broken record” sentence, such as “You must clean your room before you go to the party.” Do not engage in any further discussion, but simply reply with the same sentence.

Lying. Teens generally assume that if they don’t tell you the truth, they have a better chance of getting what they want. Omitting key details is the most frequent type of lie from teens. For example, your teen might truthfully tell you he is going to be hanging out at Jane’s house, but “forget” to mention that Jane’s parents won’t be home. The real problem is that teens’ lies become more sophisticated and they will work with their friends to create a fabricated story that will check out with other parents. You should insist on knowing where your child is and whom they are with to minimize lying. When you do catch them in a lie, there should be an immediate consequence with the understanding that a repeat offense will have a larger consequence.

Retaliation. Revenge… who doesn’t have that urge occasionally? So, you didn’t let your teen go to the mall, and now your teen has decided to even the score because they didn’t get their way. Many teens provoke their parents by saying something hurtful or not doing chores / activities expected of them. As calmly as possible (walk away and count to 10 first, if necessary), let your teen know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. If your teen persists, the parent must establish and follow through with a consequence.

Emotional Blackmail. Every parent wants their child to be happy… which is why parents often don’t recognize or don’t know how to fight the “I’ll be sad until I get my way” manipulation. The best way to combat emotional blackmail is for parents to always keep in mind that their ultimate goal is to prepare their teen for the adult world. If you change your perspective from “making my child happy” to “making my child responsible so that they can make themselves happy,” you will be better equipped to handle this manipulation. Ignore the emotions, stay poised, and answer simply: “I understand that you think I’m ruining your life because you can’t go to the party, but you still need to do your homework before you can go out.”

Shutting Down. The silent treatment. What sullen teen has not tried the strategy of refusing to talk? They hope either the guilt will get you to give in or you’ll forget you asked them to do something. The key is to make your teen’s refusal to respond work against her, not for her. For example, say your child likes spending time on Facebook, and you allow her online every night for one hour after she has completed her homework, but she is refusing to respond to your reminders to get started on her homework. The consequence is that she loses 10 minutes on the computer for every 10 minutes she has not started her homework.

Creating Doubt. Teens are very perceptive about what causes their parent’s anxiety, and they will use it against you. For example, perhaps a parent worries over their child “fitting in” a social circle, then your teen may employ the “I’ll be an outcast if you don’t let me ____!” Parents must become rational observers.  Are those statements really true? Ask your child to justify these statements with facts.

Preventing Manipulation

Dealing with manipulative behavior wears on a parent. However, there are ways to improve the situation. Giving your teen less opportunity to manipulate you will make both of you feel better and strengthen your relationship.

• Be consistent. This is arguably the most important tool in a parent’s pocket and will ultimately decide your success or failure. You must develop firm rules with consequences that will be enforced immediately and every time an infraction occurs. It usually helps to sit down with your teen (they should have input, too) and develop a written document that details boundaries, expectations, and consequences. This written document leaves little room for misunderstanding, substantially reducing your teen’s opportunity for manipulation. Consequences must be followed through or the rules lose all meaning. If you are a parent that tends to give in before the punishment is up, try setting up the restriction in a way you can’t break. Take your teen’s video game to your friend’s house and tell them to hold it until Friday – then you can’t give in!
• Communicate openly. Don’t just interrogate your teen. Spend time with your child, telling them about your feelings and actively listening to their hopes and disappointments.
• Be honest. Teens are very good at knowing when you’re being truthful. Create an environment of trust in your home. Recognize that idle threats are “lying” because everyone knows you aren’t going to follow through.
• Withdraw from the heat. It’s easy to respond in the heat of the moment with something you’ll later regret. Instead, refuse to get engaged in a battle and simply say that you need time to think. It’s a good way to buy yourself time so that you can think of an appropriate response that will make you feel good.

Final Thoughts…

Parents who can feel good about themselves at the end of the day are those that do what they know is right even when it’s hard. They will put their child’s safety first, their development for a successful future second, and their happiness last.

“What do I do if…” Car Safety Lessons for Teens

In our every day lives, we encounter a variety of different situations, and through repetition and familiarity, we have learned how to handle each one. But sometimes, we encounter a situation that we have never experienced. We may not know what to do or may take us longer to figure out the right reaction. However, with life experience and knowledge, we are able to figure out the solution. Imagine what it is like to be a teenager facing a difficult situation. They have less life experience and knowledge overall to help them make appropriate decisions. So it’s helpful for parents or teachers to throw out hypothetical situations for conversation about a variety of subjects. If teens have to think through their reactions beforehand to experiences they may encounter but have never actively thought about, then they will be better prepared to make a good decision in the moment. Today, we’ll consider some safety lessons for the teen who has just started driving.

What do I do if I’m involved in a motor vehicle accident?

Call 911 and do not leave until you have spoken to a police officer. If you are involved in a minor accident, no one is injured and the vehicles are drivable, move your vehicle to the untraveled portion of the roadway, if possible. Activate your emergency flashing lights if they are working. Cars left in the roadway contribute to traffic hazards. If you are injured, when the law-enforcement officer arrives at the accident scene, tell him or her immediately that you are injured and describe your injuries.

At the accident scene, you should get the name, address, and phone number of each driver along with the vehicle(s) license plate numbers and each driver’s license number; the name of his or her automobile insurance company and the policy number; and the make and model of all vehicles involved in the accident. Many times, the police will obtain this information from each person at the scene.

What do I do if I witness a car accident?

Immediately call 911. Do not exit your own vehicle in the middle of traffic, or leave your vehicle somewhere where it could cause another car accident, but rather pull over to the right side of the road, preferably 100 feet away from the accident and turn on your hazard lights. If you suspect or know that an injury occurred and you believe it is safe to approach the car, you can try to make the victims as comfortable as possible. However, you should NOT move an injured person unless he or she is in a burning vehicle. Moving an injured person can turn a minor injury into a serious one. Also, do not try to confront any of the parties involved in the accident as being at fault – just wait for the police to arrive.

When the police arrive at the scene of the accident, give your name to the police and to the parties involved in the accident. You should also consider making notes about what you personally saw, as you may be called on to help reconstruct the accident if there are questions about who was at fault.

If you witness a hit and run car accident, you should not try to confront the driver, as this could put you in danger. Instead, write down the license plate number of the car that drove off and immediately call 911.

What if I’m stopped for a traffic violation?

If you are signaled to pull over by a police officer, you should immediately pull over to the right side of the roadway (do not stop on the left shoulder) so long as it’s a public place or major highway with lots of traffic. If you are in a rural or isolated area where there are no other people, you should continue on and call 911 to tell them that you are being asked to pull over, but that you want to get to a gas station or other public area. The dispatcher will inform the police officer following you. This is also true if an unmarked police car tries to pull you over.

Once stopped, you should put the vehicle in park and remain seated in the vehicle. You should never exit the vehicle unless directed to by an officer. When an officer is approaching your vehicle no one in the vehicle should make any sudden movements. Everyone should stay seated, the driver should place both hands on the steering wheel, and the passengers should keep their hands in their laps or at least clearly visible.

Under most circumstances the officer will ask for your license, registration and proof of insurance. It is then acceptable to retrieve those items for the officer. The officer should tell you why he or she stopped you, and if they don’t, it is acceptable to ask.

What do I do if I encounter a roadblock?

Police officers are permitted by law to operate safety traffic checkpoints. Many checkpoints do not pull over every vehicle, but rather every two or three vehicles to check for sobriety. If you are chosen, the police will shine a flashlight in your car and ask you a few questions to determine if you appear sober. Assuming you are sober, the police officer will wave you through fairly quickly. However, if you act suspicious or are showing signs of being intoxicated, they will ask you to park for further questioning and for a sobriety test.

What do I do if I get a flat tire or my car breaks down?

If you should experience a flat, blowout, or car breakdown, it is important to stop. Continuing to drive on a bad tire can ruin the whole wheel causing a lot of expensive damage. Similarly, if your car is smoking or otherwise showing signs of breaking down, you can inflict more damage by continuing to drive.

If you are experiencing car trouble while traveling on an interstate highway or other high-speed roadway, follow these tips. At the first sign of trouble, grip the steering wheel firmly. Don’t slam on the brakes, but rather let the car slow down gradually by taking your foot off the gas pedal. Work your vehicle toward the breakdown lane or, if possible, toward an exit (do not stop in traffic). It’s important to have the car well off the pavement and away from traffic before stopping. Once off the road, turn your emergency flashers on and call for help. Raise your hood and tie something white to the radio antenna or hang it out a window so police officers or tow truck operators will know that you need help. Don’t stand behind or next to your vehicle. Stay inside your vehicle with your seat belt on. Lock your doors but keep your windows cracked. Unfortunately, you cannot trust someone who stops to help you. There have been reports of predators patrolling highways looking for stranded motorists as their next victim. If someone other than a policeman or tow truck operator stops and offers to help, ask them to use their cell phone to call the police and stay inside your locked car.

Parents should consider signing up their teen for a roadside assistance program. Although teaching your teen to change a flat tire sounds like a good idea, there are a couple of problems involved. First, if they don’t do it exactly right for their specific car, it can cause worse damage or even an injury. Second, it’s actually quite dangerous to change a tire on the side of a busy road. Third, most teens do not have the strength to loosen the lug nuts put on by mechanics with a pneumatic wrench, so even if they have the know-how, they can’t actually implement it.

Summary

You may want to bullet these items and print these out for your teen. We need to make our teens aware so that they do not make regrettable mistakes. The items above may be common sense for adults, but for teens that have never experienced these situations, it can be a very scary and stressful time.

A Joyful Holiday with Teens

Many of us want our holidays to be something like “Miracle on 34^th Street,” but somewhere along the way, it becomes more like “Nightmare on Elm Street.” Instead of experiencing the joy of giving, we find ourselves in debt. Instead of roasting chestnuts by the fire, we find ourselves too busy and stressed out to sit down. Instead of being thankful for family, we find ourselves bickering.

There are ways to create a meaningful holiday for you and your teen without the nightmares. Following are some tips to not just survive, but thrive, in the holiday season.

Not Breaking the Bank

The holiday season should not put you in debt. How is placing yourself in financial hardship in any way reflective of the season? Remember, the point of gift-giving is to show your appreciation for that person, not to give them everything they ever wanted. Families should make a holiday budget. Write down everyone on your gift-giving list. Set a spending limit for each person. Write down gift ideas before you go shopping. Then, force yourself to stick to the budget – if you overspend for one person, that means you must underspend for someone else. Don’t use your credit card unless you plan to pay it off immediately. Besides creating a budget and sticking to it, encourage the whole family to be creative in gift-giving. First, there’s no rule that says gifts have to be bought new. Scour thrift stores, yard sales, flea markets and other second-hand sources for gift-worthy items at prices well below retail. Adolescents often love “vintage” items. Second, consider making a gift. Ideas might include using pockets from old clothes to make a cell phone holder, using old sweaters or curtains to make a purse, using beads or household items to make jewelry, using kits to make a tie-dye shirt, or creating a coupon book for activities the recipient might enjoy.

Reducing Stress

The holidays are full of potential stressors: hectic schedule, financial stress, crowds, changes in diet and routines, high expectations for the “perfect” holiday, or grief over a loss. Teens are also susceptible to feeling disappointed that the holidays are not the same as when they were young kids. Youth can actually mourn the loss of the fun childhood excitement they remember. There is no one right way to experience the holidays and it may vary year to year based on the circumstances at the time, but there are ways to reduce stress:

• Take care of your body with exercise, moderation in diet and enough sleep.
• Set aside some time to relax or do an activity you enjoy. Put it on the calendar to make sure it happens!
• Don’t over-schedule. Be realistic and prioritize plans – even if all 10 things you want to do are fun, they won’t each be fun if you try to do them all.
• Try to enjoy things as they are, not as you think they should be. Let go of “perfect.”
• Set aside differences and accept family members and friends as they are.
• Plan ahead. Start now with shopping for and making gifts, holiday preparations, and decorations. Make lists for each activity that you need to accomplish and schedule the time to complete them. These activities are supposed to be fun and filled with holiday cheer, so setting aside the time to do them will allow you to enjoy the activity and not dread or rush to complete it.

Surviving the School Break

There are lots of ways for teens to enjoy their time during school break without driving mom and dad crazy. Beyond the usual “hanging out” with friends, the school break is an excellent time for teens to make money through odd jobs or babysitting, volunteer at a food bank or other local nonprofit, reorganize their room to find homes for new gifts and donate old things, connect with youth programs at the YMCA or other local community groups, pitch in with household duties, and, perhaps most especially, spend time with family. Organize some fun family activities or game nights and make sure everyone makes it a priority to be there.

Establish Holiday Traditions

Be sure to consider your family’s holiday traditions. The maintenance of family traditions is far more important to children of all ages than most parents realize. Traditions create and establish the boundaries of a family. The child gains a sense of belonging through family rituals that makes them part of a clearly defined unit that is separate from all their peers. Simple things – such as sharing a special meal or wearing a holiday outfit or watching a specific movie – can create lasting memories. Although traditions are very important to maintain, they must also be flexible. Changing family dynamics – such as divorce, the loss of a loved one, or even the changing ages of family members – require new traditions to be established. Allow teens to help decide which traditions need to be kept or abandoned, help create new traditions to fit the family, and help keep the traditions on which you have decided.

Encouraging Thankfulness

Teenagers aren’t always the most grateful form of our species, but there are ways to encourage a spirit of thankfulness. Instilling this value in youth will serve them well throughout life because studies consistently show that people who are grateful are happier overall in their lives than people who are not and are less likely to be materialistic. Here are some ways for adults to encourage gratitude in teens:

• Model sincere appreciation. Teens notice when the adults around them have an attitude of gratitude, so comment on the small stuff such as when someone opens a door for us, smiles kindly, or pays us a compliment.
• Teach proper gift etiquette. Be honest that every gift a teen receives may not be his/her favorite. However, it’s still important to express good manners (such as a sincere thank-you note) when someone was generous enough to spend their time and money on him/her.
• Don’t take things for granted. As an adult, you should point out the many things teens can be grateful for, such as the wonders of invention, good health, the coach who volunteers their time, or the roof over your head.
• Share thankful thoughts at the dinner table during the month of December. Ask everyone to mention one thing each night they are thankful for. Even if your teen cannot think of anything to say, parents can still say things that will help your teen see the things that you appreciate.

Final Thoughts…

Recall your favorite holiday memories from your childhood and you will likely discover that it was simple things that delighted you. We rob ourselves of the joy when we try to make everything so hectic and intense and over the top. Try to simplify your family’s holidays and recapture the joy that the holidays are meant to share.